“老师，我考试成绩出来了，GPA也出来了，怎样能最后提升一下？”“用文书做补充提升。”“老师，我的硬成绩不理想，但是已经定型了，怎么办？”“用文书做补救性的展现。”到了申请季，文书仿佛成了万金油、大还丹。那么如何写出一封真正的好文书呢？
Personal Statement
Motivation
My friends were shocked, when they learned I was determined to give up the high-paid, decent job as a Chief Instructor in New Oriental (a New York Stock listed company) and as the Shanghai Branch Manager of the ETS TOEFL Junior China Management Center to pursue graduate study in public policy in the US. But to me, this decision has been a hard-earned, long-cherished answer in my heart. Should I continue my teaching career, I could enlighten hundreds of students per year, helping them master the English language skills and secure a promising future. However, when I guided the high school students in China on their SAT and TOEFL preparation, I was thinking maybe one day they could receive the best education here in China; when I visited and raised books for children in the most impoverished counties in rural China, the earnest for knowledge I read from the local children’s eyes drove me to seek more educational resources and effective and equitable educational policies. With five-year working experience as an educator, I gradually find my inner voice: a meaningful purpose of my life is to make a difference of the educational system in China, structurally and revolutionarily, to increase the educational quality and equity here.
Background
At the initial stage of the implementation of China’s reform and opening-up policy, I was born into a family where many generations have been senior Chinese intellectuals and actively involved in the educational arena. The most noteworthy and most influential on my growth is my grandfather, who is an old-generation Chinese mathematician and have been teaching mathematics for decades. Therefore, on the one hand, I have been witnessing China’s rapid economic growth and social progress coupled with its asymmetric political and educational system reform; on the other hand, I had the opportunity to be greatly inspired and motivated by my parents and grandparents, all of whom have been involved in teaching for decades and have trained hundreds of students to become the elite of many professionals.
Experience
Under familial influence and out of my passion for English, upon graduation from college in 2007, I started my career as an English teacher in Only Education and later in New Oriental Group. My previous working experience and outstanding performance in the most influential educational organizations in China, focusing on English training to high school and college students, earned me the opportunity to stand out and speak loud. Rather than following the spoon-feed pedagogy, I introduced innovative approaches to inspire students to think, learn, and apply. I brought forward the suggestions that experienced foreign teachers should be invited to teach students social study, literature and history to make up for students’ common weakness in humanistic disciplines and to make them more rounded. I also came up with many new ideas to improve students’ learning ability, such as the measure of combining study sessions and psychological counseling sessions together. My teaching capacity, English language proficiency and strong communication skills allowed me to help 50,000 students by far make significant progress in English learning. The intensive teaching practice, in the meantime, exposes me to the deplorable fact: Chinese students had been trained mechanically who might get a top score but possess little practical ability, caused by the historical and long-entrenched test-oriented system. It drove me to dedicate my life-long career to improve this situation and contribute to the formulating process of China’s education policy and reform.
This aspiration is reinforced as I witnessed the prevalent educational inequity between rural and urban areas in China. In early 2011, noticing that there were many talented kids were cheated out of education opportunities by poverty in rural areas in Hunan Province, I initiated the “Passing Thoughts”, a book-raising campaign aimed to provide teaching support for the local primary schools. The needs for books, stationeries, teaching facilities, are huge and could not be met by individual efforts. I need to seek more positive influence from the society and help more poor children. Realizing the importance of reaching out, I shared my idea and teamed up with my friends, some of whom are famous educators in China and even the world. We leveraged our social network and sought external supports from educational training organizations, publishing companies, NPOs, and enterprises both home and abroad. In addition to the direct approach, I started threads through influential social networking service web sites such as facebook, tweeter, renren.com, etc. I also liaised with the local media to expand this event and successfully bring in significant social attention. Out of our multifold endeavors, we managed to secure 1,800+ books, 30+ chairs, 2 Ping-Pong tables, and a great number of stationeries for two local schools within two months. Now we’re trying to extend the influence of this campaign to more rural areas in West China, striving for more education opportunities for the underprivileged kids.
Goals
Reflecting on President Kennedy’s exhortation that 'Ask not what your country can do for you –ask what you can do for your country', I find it imperative for me to plunge into a career of advancing the education policy for my country. My professional goal is to work in governmental sectors as an education policy maker in China. I aspire to make positive social changes in the realm of education, ameliorating the educational system reform and facilitating the educational equity of the nation.
To achieve my goal, the analytic framework and practical skills in public service are indispensable. I therefore aspire to pursue the Master of Public Policy (MPP) program at Harvard Kennedy School (HKS), through which I will gain systematic knowledge and real-world insights on public policy analysis and policy making process. I plan to concentrate on the Social and Urban Policy and probe into the study of educational policy. I will also take advantage of the experiential learning in the Policy Analysis Exercise and research opportunity at HKS. I believe the rewarding study in the MPP program at HKS will provide me the most ideal platform to become a public leader and reshape the education system in China in the future.
《留学》杂志明星顾问胡元平老师点评
首先，这是一篇非常完整的申请文书，包涵了学校希望申请者在personal statement（个人陈述）里提供的几大要素：申请的项目及具体方向，相关背景和经历以及职业规划。
其次，申请者本身在教育行业的工作经历和想要申请项目有合理的逻辑和比较强的关联度，这是申请者背景中一个很大的优势。这一优势在文书中得到了充分的体现，整体的素材都是围绕着Education（教育）这一个主旨展开，结构清晰明了，可以让招生官迅速准确地抓住最关键的信息。美国的研究生项目通常需要学生在一个大框架下选择一个方向，所以明确地表达自己的专业兴趣是招生官非常愿意看到的文书内容，也是很多MPA和MPP院校明确要求申请者在文书中陈述的。
再次，申请者作为一名资深的TOEFL老师，语言上自然是没得说。读起来顺畅自然，也很有节奏感。尤其值得一提的是多样化的句式和地道的用词。叙述和描写相结合，在效果上远远优于通篇都是I开头的文书。
当然，这篇PS也还有一些可以改进的地方。第一，最好不用小标题的格式，而是重新安排段落或者增加过渡句来自然体现行文的逻辑。第二，最后一段可以再详细写一下为什么想要申请Harvard。美国学校的申请作为一个双向选择的过程，招生官也是非常看重申请者对于项目的了解和期待。
《留学》杂志明星顾问陈永江老师点评
整片文章由于篇幅较长，有1000words（单词），为了保证文章的可读性，我们采用了分标题的方式，使得读者可以非常快速地获得相应的信息。文章的铺陈方式是非常直接、朴实、坦诚的。申请者把自己的工作、家庭背景、教育相关的经历有机地铺陈开来，通过这些经历，反映申请者对教育公平性这一社会问题的思考以及所做出的努力。此外，除了介绍自己的教学方面的工作经历，申请者还把自己建立非营利组织为山里的孩子筹集书籍的经历进行详细地阐述，充分体现了她身上有public leader（社会领袖）所具备的潜质，最终被哈佛大学肯尼迪政府学院的公共政策专业（硕士）录取。
《留学》杂志明星顾问柴丽盎老师点评
本篇个人陈述从最重要的申请理由、背景、经历和申请目标四个方面展开了一系列的详细阐述。四个部分衔接性很好，整篇文章连贯性很强，给人以一种比较强的整体感。
第一段着重介绍了个人申请的理由。开头引人入胜，突出了自己出国留学的决定并且用后面让步和转折性的两句话从侧面佐证了决定的合理性。接着，作者结合了自己的实际工作经验，从比较大的立意角度详细说明了个人留学申请的原因。
第二段主要描述了个人的家庭背景，出生在教育世家使得作者从小耳濡目染，为下面和教育相关的工作经历做了很好的铺垫。如果这部分再加上个人详细的学术背景，可能效果会更好，因为在留学的个人陈述中学术背景是学校评估学生的一个重要环节。
第三段分两部分详细说明了个人的工作经历，这也是申请学校时最有说服力和展现出自己闪光点的地方。第一部分按照递进的方式对工作经历进行了介绍并指出了当前中国教育存在的问题。首先介绍了自己拥有一个较高的工作平台，并且在教育领域有着出色的工作能力和突出表现。然后，指出了在工作过程中发现中国当前教育体制存在的一些缺陷和不足—应试教育导致许多高分低能的学生。第二部分指出了中国教育存在的另外一个明显缺陷—教育资源分布不均。同时，也详细介绍了作者对此所做出的实际努力和表现。这就使得自己的申请理由更加充分，申请陈述对学校来说有了更加切实的说服力。此段两个部分最后都暗示了作者肩负的责任感和发展方向。
最后一部分讲了留学的目标。开头就引用了美国前总统肯尼迪的名言，丰富了语言和文章内容，也合理引出了自己所要努力的目标—为中国的教育体制改革做出应有的努力和贡献。提出目标后，作者紧接着又描述了自己将要在美国所学的具体的实践性课程，然后用这些课程所学到的知识为本段开头所提出的具体目标服务。
整篇文章结构非常严谨，各个段落间连贯性很强，重点突出且相互关联，承接自然。语言比较生动，用词准确，多使用正式的书面语词汇，如ameliorate, exhortation等。作者还运用了定语从句、状语从句、分词短语等一系列句式结构，用词准确，句式多样，行文流畅，表达地道。
总体来说，这是一篇文字优美，内容充实，思路清晰，结构严谨且极具说服力的个人陈述。
《留学》非盈利推荐
胡元平
本科毕业于浙江大学新闻系，研究生毕业于美国密歇根州立大学公共关系专业。加入北京新东方前途以来，一直担任美研二部咨询顾问一职，积累了丰富的文书和网申经验。“帮助每一个学生认识自己，了解自己并且成就自己，是我的责任，也是我工作中满足感的来源。”
陈永江
金东方留学文书部经理，金牌文书写作专家，专业从事美国、英国、加拿大、香港等大学的留学和访学文书写作达5年，帮助数百位客户成功申请到理想的院校，包括哈佛大学、哥伦比亚大学、牛津大学、华盛顿大学圣路易斯、康奈尔大学、乔治城大学、威廉玛丽学院等世界级名校。专注于美国本科和研究生高端文书写作，曾帮助多名学生拿下哈佛大学、斯坦福大学、普林斯顿大学等Top10综合类大学及安默斯特学院、明德学院等多所顶级文理学院的本科新生或转学录取录取通知。创下的成绩包括帮助无GRE成绩、雅思6.5的一所工科学校英语系学生拿到南加州大学的录取；GPA没上2.9、排名较靠后的三本院校学生拿到了商学院排名37的德州大学达拉斯校区商学院的录取通知等等。
柴丽盎
环球北美考试院北美考试院销售部课程顾问。麻辣爽快的85后北京妞，擅于为学生制定详细的备考和申请时间规划，迅速在学员和家长心目中积累起良好口碑。在问及客户为何如此信任她的秘诀时，她说，其实很简单，时刻保持一颗同理心，“我总在思考，如果我是客户，我有什么需求。”
